Enough

It's no secret that I struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough.  See here.

Can any of you relate?
Or is it just me?

One place these feelings continually raise their ugly head is in the area of Alivea's hair.  I've shared before how I want to do my little girl's hair and I want her to be happy with her hair.  The thing I continually struggle with is my expectation.  I expect her hair to look like the other little girls in her ballet class or her Sunday school class.  

There's a big difference though.  Those little  girl's don't have me for their mommy.  They have African American mommies who were raised doing hair a certain way and know all the right products and all the right techniques to try to do their child's hair.  They have a routine perfected and their child's hair always looks great.  It doesn't look dry.  It doesn't look like their mom just perfected cornrowing.  It doesn't look like their mom put too much lotion in it and caused dandruff or product buildup. 

I realized tonight after washing, conditioning, blowdrying, greasing and then straightening Alivea's hair that my problem is my expectation.  My expectation of myself and of Alivea.  Alivea is not going to look like those little girls because she is my daughter and that is not a bad thing.

I also have to give myself some credit for the things I have learned over the past 5 years.  Five years ago I had no idea what the L.O.C. method was.  I had no idea that African Americans don't wash their hair every day.  I had no idea what co-washing was.  I definitely didn't know how to use hair grease or leave in conditioner or any of the other 50+ products I have tried over the past years.  I had no use for knockers or beads or a sleep cap.  

After I finished Alivea's hair tonight I felt it once again.  The feeling of inadequacy.  The feeling that even after a 2+ hour investment, Alivea's hair didn't look like the other little girls in her ballet class.  I couldn't get it straight enough and I couldn't get it shiny enough.  I heard myself voicing these things and I instantly felt like I needed to shut up! 

I realized Alivea was hearing everything I was saying and I didn't want her to feel inadequate.  I don't want her to compare herself.  I don't want her to look at the other little girls in her class and think she is anything but perfect.  She's not going to look like them and that's okay.  I can't do hair like their mom and that's okay.  I love Alivea and that is why I do her hair.  I do it because I need to take care of it and because I like doing it.  It's not easy and sometimes I cry.  It takes a lot of time but I care about her and I care about her hair.  

But more than I care about her hair I care about how she sees herself.  I want her to know how I see her and I want her to base her feelings about herself on the truth, not just on what the mirror says about her.  So, I have to start with me.  I have to start with the words that come out of my mouth and the expression on my face.  

Alivea, hear this.  You are perfect just the way you are.  Daddy and I love you.  We don't love you for how you look or for how straight your hair is or even because you are a good girl.  We love you because you are you.  And that will always be enough.

Batch Cooking

Today, I'm gonna tell you how I spent $150 and about 4 hours and made all of my dinners for the  past month.  I wanted my family to actually eat all of the food first so I could tell you what was delicious and what I never want to eat again.  

I tried Batch Cooking a few years ago and it was a disaster.  It took a good 8-10 hours to prep all of the meals and Denny and I hated everything!  Major fail!

I knew this time that I would need to start with recipes that we had mostly tried before so I wouldn't be totally wasting money and time.  

I searched the internet and found some other recipes I thought looked tasty and came up with this.

I started with 7 simple recipes.  All of the recipes (except 2) actually made enough to fill two freezer bags so that makes 11 meals in my freezer and since our family is only 3 people we got at least two meals out of each bag for a total of 24 meals.  

Here are the recipes I used this month,

• Chicken Penne Rustica from Once a Month Mom (if you like Macaroni Grill, you will love this dish.)  It's creamy and cheesy and has rosemary.  Mmmmm- goodness!
• Honey Rosemary Chicken from Kojo Designs (This was not our favorite recipe.  There was too much balsamic vinegar.  If I made it again I would only use about half to 3/4 the amount.)
• Hawaiian Chicken Sandwiches from Six Cents (Amazing!  The chicken is a little moist for sandwiches for me.  But the provolone cheese and the hint of pineapple, delicious!!!!)
• Salsa Chicken from Six Cents (Even Alivea like this one.  The salsa and beans really does add to the flavor of the chicken.  I think next time I make this, I'll serve it with rice.)
• Cilantro Shrimp from Mama & Baby Love (Oh my goodness.  This was probably my favorite.  I bought frozen shrimp.  We all loved this one and it smelled so good while it was cooking.  I will definitely do this one again.)
• Black Bean Taco Soup from Six Sisters' Stuff (We had tried this one before many times.  I love this recipe.  So easy and great for leftovers.  Don't forget this chips, and sour cream and cheese!)
• Crockpot Meatballs (you know the easy meatballs + grape jelly + BBQ sauce recipe) (I didn't prep this one before hand)

All in all, this month was definitely a success.  I had way less stress in the kitchen and coming home from work.  I already knew what we were having for dinner!  And then I also knew what Denny and I were taking for lunches since the meals provided enough leftovers for that too. Plus, since we had tried some of the dishes already, my family was actually excited for dinner.  And all of the meals were homemade and semi-healthy.    

The Best $5/month I've Ever Spent

A few months ago I joined the Influence Network.  It was the best $5/month decision I ever made for this little blog.  In the past few months I have met more adoptive mommas, started a collaboration with Kerrie Williams called Hello, My Name Is _______ and joined a Mastermind Group.

Last night was the first meeting for the Mastermind Group.  It only lasted an hour but I already know that meeting regularly with this group of ladies is going to definitely change my blog for the better and will probably even change my life in some way. 

I really hope that through this Mastermind Group, I can learn to be more consistent on this space and also learn to be a better writer.  I'm looking forward to learning something from this group of ladies, some of whom are mothers, aspiring nurses, run businesses from home, and are pregnant.  We may all be different and in different stages of life, but the common thread that we all have is that we love Jesus and we want to make our online life mean something.  

Here are some other blogs that (I am not in collaboration with all of them, but I love their writing and I know I can learn something from them too)

• The Williams Post 
• Hello from the Natos
• Word from the Wallaces
• Traded Dreams
• We Are That Family
• Simple Mom
• A Holy Experience
• This list could go on and on.......

So there's my story of the best $5 I ever spent?  What's yours?

Have a great day!

Kerry

Dealing with Mother's Day

I never realized, until my first Mother's Day in 2008, how much I had hated Mother's Day before.
As someone who struggled and is struggling with infertility, I can tell you first hand that this weekend will stink for about 6.1 million women in the US who are struggling to become a mother.  If that is you, if you are one of the 6.1 million, then this post is for you.  If you are not one of the 6.1 million but you know one, this post may help you figure out how to deal with them this weekend.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother's Day is a day to celebrate mothers.  Duh!  But if you're not a mother and that's all you want with all your heart, then this day sucks.  Even though you have a mother and wish to honor her, you are secretly (or for some- not so secretly) struggling.  In fact, whether you go to church or out to lunch this Sunday you will probably feel like there is a huge flashing arrow pointed right at you.

See this girl, she can't get pregnant.

See this girl, she's tried and tried and keeps having miscarriages.

See this girl, she feels like she's broken.

I know what you'll do.  You'll struggle all day Sunday with this silent battle inside of you.  The voice telling you that you should be grateful that you still have a mother or mother-in-law to spend this day with.  You'll struggle with feelings of guilt.  Why can't you make this happen?  And why can't you just be grateful?  You're healthy (except for the infertility) and you have your husband.  You have a great family.  You have a great job.  But still you feel that something is missing.  

If you make it to church on Sunday your pastor will probably use some scripture from Proverbs like "Her children rise up and call her blessed." And as soon as he reads it, you'll feel like that flashing arrrow is back.  You'll feel like shouting at the top of your lungs 

"What about me?  Who's gonna call me blessed?"

To make matters worse, there will be flowers (or some other lame gift) handed out after church to all the mothers.  Oh, and don't forget the obligatory "Will every mother please stand up?"

Flashing Arrow.  Flashing Arrow.  

I know this Sunday is gonna suck.  I can't say it any other way.  And as much as I would love to take it away.  As much as I would love to make it not suck for lots of my friends.  I can't.  

The only thing I can offer is some advice on how to best survive.  Sometimes, that's all this season of infertility is- Survival.

1.  Be honest with your husband about how you are feeling about Mother's Day.  You may need his help today.  You know, when you need to sneak away and cry for a bit.

2.  Know that you are not alone.  There are 6,099,999 more women dealing with these same feelings today.

3.  Cry, if you need to.  And you probably will.  It's better to excuse yourself and let it out then keep those feelings bottled up.  Also, know that Jesus sees your tears.  He really does.

4.  Have grace on your family and your church.  People don't know how to handle infertility.  It's just something that is difficult to explain and something that is difficult to help people with.  Also, they don't know how many of us there are.  Keep that in mind.

5.  Pray.  A lot.  Jesus knows your heart and he knows how much it hurts.  And he hates it.

6.  Be grateful.  I know it seems like you don't have much to be grateful for right now.  But believe me, you do.  Why don't you make a list of some things that you are thankful for?  If you need to, keep the list with you all day.  It might help you make it through some dark spots.

  

I hope this list will help you.  Like I said, I don't have all the answers.  I just hate that Mother's Day sucks for so many women.  

Nothing is Wasted

Jonah.
A man given a directive by God- to go to Ninevah and cry out against it.
We all know the story.
Jonah made a choice.  God said go here and he went there.
He ended up on a boat and a storm is raging.
And he sleeps.

How could he sleep?  The storm is so bad that the sailors are throwing stuff off the boat to make it lighter.  Meanwhile, Jonah is alone and sleeps.

It seems to me, this may be a pattern.  A pattern of selfishness.  He wouldn't go to Ninevah to speak truth to its people.  And now when his ship-mates are trying to save the ship and their lives, he is suddenly tired.  Possibly exhausted by his disobedience.  Exhausted from the run.  But either way selfish- only concerned with himself.

The people of the boat gather.  Nothing they're doing is working.  The seas still rage.  They realize this is bigger than a weather phenomena.  Jonah confesses it's because of him.  He is to blame.

Jonah tells them to throw him into the sea.  The men, being perhaps more kind than Jonah, don't want to do it.  They try to keep rowing.  But it's not working.  They have to do it.

So they do.  They throw him overboard.  Instantly the sea is satisfied.  God had a plan and rescued Jonah so that he could carry out the Lord's instruction and carry truth to Ninevah.

But something else also happens.  Jonah 1:16 says  the sailors "feared the Lord exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice to the Lord and took vows".  Just 11 verses earlier had these same men crying out to the other gods to save them.

Jonah's explanation for the storm and the display of God's power and His mercy caused a change in these men.

I'm reminded of that song by Jason Gray "Nothing is Wasted".

Nothing is wasted.

Nothing is wasted.

In the hands of our Redeemer, nothing is wasted.

Nothing is wasted.  Not even our disobedience.  

How awesome is that?

How awesome is He?

He can and will even use our mistakes, our mess-ups, our periodic moments of selfishness.  He uses it because He is the Redeemer.

I love that God's plan was God's plan.  He didn't change it.  The people of Ninevah were important to God and He needed someone to go to them.  Jonah tried to run.  God let him do that.  

Have there been things in your life that God has asked you to do and instead of running to Him and to His will, you've run?  Are you discouraged by that?

Well, don't be.  Just turn and run in the opposite direction.  Back to Him and back to His will for your life.  His will doesn't change.  You haven't missed it.

Meet Mallory, an Interview with the Founder of Project Yesu

A few weeks ago I received a package in the mail.  

It was the cutest t-shirt and it had a little tag attached saying that the purchase of this t-shirt had helped to provide food, medical care and education for children in Uganda.

I knew I hadn't purchased a t-shirt.  I instantly knew that I had been gift-bombed again by my friend, Chalice.  

I called her and asked her about this t-shirt and she told me about this young woman named Mallory and her organization Project Yesu.

I was so captivated I had to visit the website myself.  And then I was so intrigued by her story that I realized I had to share it.  I contacted Mallory and asked if I could interview her and share her heart on mlHM and she agreed to it.  So here goes.

1.  How old are you?

I am 13, I turned 13 in March

2.  What are you doing?  What is the goal or aim of your ministry?  Is there a project that you are currently working on that you would like people to know about? 

My ministry is called Project Yesu, I help to provide food, medicine and education for children in Uganda. I work with 3 organizations on the ground, Amazima Ministries, Ekisa Ministries and Project Have Hope. I am currently sponsoring 10 children (4 with Amazima and 6 with Project Have Hope). Each year I also send Christmas cards that I design to the children in the sponsorship programs with Amazima and Project Have Hope. This year I sent over 700 cards. Right now I am doing a Pillowcase dress drive, collecting dresses to bring to the girls in Uganda and I am also doing a 100 day challenge to raise $1,000 to buy things that are needed by the teams on the ground. 

3.  Why are you doing this?  What made you want to start this ministry?

 I want to make a difference in the lives of the children of Uganda. I started Project Yesu in October of 2011 when I was making my Christmas list, and I looked around my room and I realized that there was nothing that I needed, but there was so many things that the children of Uganda needed.

4.  How have people reacted when they have heard what you are doing? 

Most of the people I meet have a good reaction, they are supportive, and some are even inspired by what I am doing. Other people think I am wrong for helping the kids in Uganda, they say things like "they deserve the life they have" and they tell me I should be helping people here, not people in Africa.

5.  How many times have you been to Uganda?  Is there a story you would like to share about that? 

I visited Uganda in October 2012, and I am going back this summer, in June. I met so many amazing people, I loved being with the children and meeting my sponsored kids, my kids. I got to visit their schools and meet their families and see where they live, and see how they live. Two women I met in the Acholi Quarter changed my life, Grace and Ester. Both women had lost so much and had suffered so much during the LRA war. Both women were so strong, and overcame so much, and still had an amazing joy. I also met a boy at Ekisa Ministries, named Walter. Walter is so inspiring because Walter should hate the world for the horrible things he has experienced in his young life, but yet Walter is so smart, loving and caring. He showed me something I had heard, "My joy shall have no regard for my circumstances".  He lives that, Grace and Ester live that, that is what they taught me. 

6.  What do you want to do when you grow up?  

I want to be a missionary, I want to live in Uganda full time, and my dream is to open an orphanage in Uganda.

7.  Any last words about your ministry, your relationship with Jesus, how doing this work has changed you? 

When I started Project Yesu, I was a normal 11 year old. My life was about me, I wanted "things" like normal 11 year olds do. But since I have started this God has taught me that when you have a dream, and you give it to God, He takes that dream and makes it bigger and better then you could ever have imagined. I have learned that when you let God have control, He takes care of things, and when you are obedient to what He wants, its amazing what can happen. I feel so much closer to God. I feel like I saw God much clearer when I was in Uganda. I saw Him in the faces of the people I met, in the faces of the children I met and loved on, I saw Him in their stories, and in their lives.

I can't wait to see where God takes Project Yesu, and where he leads me. When I am in Uganda this summer, I pray that He will open doors, and show me needs that I can help. I want Project Yesu to be bigger, and to help more people.

******************************************************

Thank you so much, Mallory, for sharing your heart.  I love that you are so young and you are letting your heart be broken for these people.  That is something that is so rare with young people in America.  Please, friends, let's keep Mallory in our prayers and also hop on over to her website and show her some love.  She has some really cute things in her shop and all the proceeds go to Project Yesu.

 

 

Not My Nature - Guest Post for (in)courage

I don’t know why I thought I could do it by myself. 

I couldn’t.

I wasn’t made to. 

It’s not in my nature.  Our nature.  To forgive. 

It’s in His nature to forgive.  And only He can help us do it.

Read More