I shared with you how I have been learning some things about Jesus being my sustainer (and not always running to him to rescue me).
I kept coming back to one verse about Him being the sustainer. It's a verse that really bothers me at my core.
The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow...Psalm 146:9
The word sustains bothers me in this verse. I want God to rescue the orphan and the widow. I don't want him to just sustain them. No orphan or widow wants to remain an orphan or a widow. They're lonely, they're vulnerable.
I hate thinking about that. Those are the types of thoughts that keep me up at night. The thoughts about children in an orphanage falling asleep without someone to kiss them good night. Without someone to make them feel safe. A widow without someone to share a meal with. Without someone she can rely on.
I hate vulnerability. I hate loneliness.
But vulnerable is a place God is calling me to be right now.
But I know that I am not alone, just like the orphan and the widow.
He sustains them. He bears them, carries them, maintains them, conserves them.
He sustains me. He bears me, carries me, maintains me, conserves me.
If someone is carrying you, you aren't alone.
Alivea likes to be carried. She's 5 and she's heavy but she likes to be carried. I don't think she's lazy. I think she knows we love her and we'll carry her. When we carry her we are close to her, closer than if we were just holding hands. We are bearing her weight so she doesn't have to.
That's how God is with me. And that's how he is with the orphan and widow.
My infertility is too much to bear at times. My humanity is too much to bear at times. It's too heavy, the burden is too great.
But he carries me. He sustains me.
I think Jesus wants my companionship on this journey. He doesn't want me to keep asking "Are we there yet?"
He wants to walk with me. And He promises that He won't just walk with me and hold my hand. He'll hold me and carry me. He will bear my weight. He will bear my burden and my grief.
And if the Father of all creation wants to walk with me through this, why am I in such a hurry for the journey to be over?